Monday, 13 May 2013

Dear Kyler,

Today you didn't want to go to drama because Jonah wasn't going and you would be the only boy.  When it was time to go you refused. Louise came twice to pick you up and she and Hebe were waiting for you but you still refused.  I told you that you had to go. I told you that I didn't want to but I would drag you to their car if I had to. You said to go ahead and try.  I pushed you out the door and locked it.  You stood outside the door, banging on it and ringing the doorbell.  I opened the door, stepped out, and pulled you into the elevator.  You said I didn't have to hold on to you, that you'd walk on your own.   But as soon as the elevator door opened, you ran downstairs to the basement.  The whole time I was trying to get you to go by saying they're waiting and you are making them late.  But you refused.  I grabbed your shirt and your arm and pulled you into the elevator.  As it opened, we saw Louise waiting at the door.  The struggle stopped, but you were upset and embarrassed.

I walked you to their car, holding your hand the whole way and watched as you miserably hunched into the car.  I wanted to pull you out and hug you and tell you that it would be ok, but I just thanked Louise, apologized for making them late, and walked home. I wondered if I had handled it the right way, or if I should have just let you stay home.  I pictured you thinking back on this experience as an adult and it being one of the few childhood memories that stick out and it made me sad.  I wanted to apologize as soon as you got home and tell you that next time you wouldn't have to go if Jonah wasn't there. 

I love you, Ky, and as your mom I wish I could make every experience enjoyable for you.  I wish I could provide you with a world where you would never have to do anything you didn't want to.  I wish I could see the joy on your face that would come if I surprised you with brand new toys, or that Xbox you've wanted.  I wish I could give you everything that made you happy and take away anything that caused you pain.  I wish I could.  All parents do.

I am sorry, but not for making you go to drama.  I'm sorry that we live in a world where sometimes you have to do things that you don't want to, it makes me sad too.  I'm sorry that sometimes you have to do things that are really hard and that make you uncomfortable, I wish I could protect you from that.  But it is important for you to know that you can!  You can do hard things. 

You will have to learn this lesson many times in many different ways as you grow up: that you can do hard things, you can.  When you are little my job is to teach you that, it is one of the hard things that I have to do.  When you get older hard things will just come and I always hope that you remember that you are strong enough to face challenges, work hard, be embarrassed, and do things that are really hard.

You are a good boy.  You are sweet, caring, and funny. You make good choices and stay out of trouble for the most part.  You are a good, normal, strong little boy and every day I am proud to be your mom.

I love you forever,